'Cuz every good message board deserves a long-running thread in which everyone can try playing stand-up comedian!

...

Q: "When trying to get a knife-wielding maniac to stop their murderous rampage, what's the absolute worst thing you can say to them?"

A: [Highlight] "Cut it out!"

(one of my old ones)

Whats the difference between a testicle and the parking lot of a south Florida indian reservation?

the parking lot is full of Seminole vehicles...

I think I picked these up from Jackie Martling:

-What do you find in a clean nose?  Fingerprints.

-Why did the Italians lose the war?  They ordered ziti instead of shells.

-What do you call an Italian slum?  A spaghetto.

Two muffins are gettin' baked in an oven.

One says "man it's hot in here".

The other one says "whoah... a talking muffin"

lame but i lol'd

Read this one in Reader's Digest years back:

One morning a farmer grabs a bucket and heads out onto his property, intending to pick some peaches. As he passes by a pond, he notices two young women splashing around on the other side, apparently skinny-dipping. They see him and duck down lower, faces pink.

"Hey you!" one of them says. "Don't think you're going to be sneaking a peek of us. We're not getting out of here until you leave!"

"Goodness, I wouldn't dream of it," replies the farmer, then indicates the bucket in his hands. "I'm just here to feed the gators."

So, wait.  Was the bucket for gathering peaches, or was it used to hold whatever he was going to feed the gators?  Or was he first gathering peaches to feed to the gators later?

At the Pearly Gates of Heaven, three men were awaiting entrance. God Himself asked the initial questions, in order to determine what type of vehicle the recently deceased would receive.

The first man confidently approached God.

"How long were you married?"

"50 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

"No."

God smiled. "That's very good. I'm going to give you a gold Mercedes."

The second man approached God.

"How long were you married?"

"35 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

"Just once."

God thought for a moment. "That's not too bad. I'm going to give you a silver Mercedes."

The third man approached God.

"How long were you married?"

"20 years."

"Did you ever cheat on your wife?"

"All the time."

God frowned. "That's not very good. I'm going to give you a regular Dodge Neon."

Later in the day, the man with the Neon was driving around Heaven and found the gold Mercedes, abandoned. He pulled over and found the owner sitting down, crying. He was baffled and asked him, "How could you be sad? You have a gold Mercedes."

The man replied, "I saw my wife on a skateboard."

Well, I took it be that the bucket was for gathering peaches. He made up the line about the gators just to scare the girls out. So...I guess the farmer was a perv in the end, provided he didn't tell them "Just kidding!" right after. Also, I'm going by memory so I may be a little off in the telling.

Got this from somewhere.

1) A man trying to understand the nature of God and asked him: "God, how long is a million years to you?"

God answered: " A million years is like a minute."

Then the man asked: "God, how much is a million dollars to you?"

And God replied: "A million dollars is like a penny."

Finally the man asked: "God, could you give me a penny?"

And God said, "In a minute."

============
Story Jokes from Readers' Digest.

2) A veterinary technician was in the hospital recovering from a ski accident.

She receives a card and flowers from her coworkers at the vet clinic.

The card read:
"Lie down, Stay, Heal...Good Girl"

====================

3) A man was recovering from a head injury.
The doctor in charge says to the man.
"Can you tell me your name and address?"

Joe Sanders

The man is quiet for a minute.

Joe@joe.com

Doctor: Yep, he's going to be fine.

==============

4) There was a class of about 300 students and they were all taking a test using standard blue books.  A professor was proctoring the test and he was strict on fair grading.

After the hour was over, all tests had been turned in except for one.
A young male student rushes over to the stack of blue books in the front of the lecture hall where the professor was.

The strict professor looks crossly at him.
"Don't even bother turning it in.  Just rip it up. You know my rules about turning in exam after the designated hour. You're getting an F."

The angry student cries, "Do you know who I am?!"

The professor shouts back, "No, I don't care who you are.  You know my rules. You turned in your exam late!!"

The student says "Good".
Before the professor can blink,  the student quickly thrusts his blue book right into the middle of the stack and runs out the lecture hall like lightning.

=================

5) I was in a tour group near some forest.
I was standing next to a little girl with her father.
The tour guide points to an ancient twisted and gnarled tree.
Tour guide: This tree is over 200 years....
and so on.

The little girl near me quietly but proudly says, "Daddy, that tree needs an adjustment."
I turn to the father in confusion.
He just grins and says,
"I'm a chiropractor."

And finally...............

6) A guy walks into a bar.
Ouch.

Q: Why couldn't the kid get into the pirate movie?

A: It was rated RRRRRRRRRR.

Edit:

Q: Woman runs into a knife wielding maniac and she has to choose which one of her twin sons won't survive. Which one does she choose?

A: The ugly one.

That's an important one to remember if you go to a large university. I actually am friends with two different individuals who essentially did this to two different professors.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

He asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then....." he sighed, "we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

================

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the frozen orange juice?

A: Because it said "concentrate."

===========

@Ramza:
So your friends have done that and got away with it?! That's good. 
The university I went to had teaching assistants proctoring for the class in addition to the professor. So they'd know you were, even if the professor didn't.

I remember reading in Discover or some other magazine that there was a world's funniest joke. Thanks to wikipedia, here it is:

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

This was voted as the top joke in the UK:

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!" The man says: "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you."

Yuuuppp~!

I've heard that joke before, too!

I would've tried it out myself, but I always handed my exams in on time... (-_-);

Ahh, the things I've missed out on life...

Once upon a time, Square released "Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within". And then ten years later most of their composer team went freelance. Get it? I'll give you a hint: The joke isn't on us.

The Spirits Within was the beginning of the end.

I'd just come out of a SuperMarket with a roasted chicken, french fries, large chips, and a 12 pack of beer.

A poor homeless man sat on the curb and said to me as I passed by, 'I've not eaten for two days'

I told him 'I wish I had your f^&%ing will power'

「Marriage Communication」 
While attending a marriage seminar on communication, Daniel and his wife listened to the counselor declare, "It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other."

He addressed the man, "Can you describe your wife's favorite flower?"

Daniel leaned over, touched his wife's arm gently and whispered, "Pillsbury All-Purpose, isn't it?"

A pun-writing contest was announced, and a local man submitted ten different examples of wordplay in the hopes that at least one would win, but no pun in ten did.

「Bedroom Secrets」
A guy walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm. "Since you have a headache, I'm going to have to sleep with this pig."

His wife says, "In case you didn't notice, that's a sheep."

He replies, "In case you didn't notice, I was talking to the sheep."

Found these on "Whose line is it anyway"  Hilarious Show. Too bad it was canceled.

1) If Sting retires, will he change his name to Stung?

2) Famous TV dolphin Flipper was arrested today on prostitution ring charges. He allegedly was seen transporting two 16 year olds across state line for immoral porpoises.

3) Dialogue between Colin and Ryan:
Colin (To audience): I was hoping he had the kind of hardware I needed. I'm a hard woman to please. Even harder to look at.

Ryan (To Colin): Can I help you?
Colin: Yes, I'd like a big hammer.

Ryan (To audience): I knew she wanted a big hammer. Maybe a couple of nails and a good screw.

Hey, do you remember that movie Push? I heard they're making a sequel called Shove.

A bunch of Polish people in Hyrule got together, and decided to start their own special interest newspaper.

The name they gave it?

The Pols Voice.

Come on, someone, quick, tell a joke relating a Pols Voice to a Rolls Royce!

[/racially insensitive]

My brother utterly f***ed up Thanksgiving.

He was bragging about how he had become a good cook and all. So we left most of the cooking to him.
We could smell the turkey from the other side of the swinging door. We knew we were in for a treat.

Then when the big moment came, he pushed the door with his butt. Then as he slowly entered the dining room, the door hit him forcefully in the back. He tripped and caused an uproar of international proportions.

Because......he caused the fall of turkey, the breaking of china, the spilling of grease, and no food for hungry.

nice jokes guys. . .
Here is another one. ..

Q Is that a new haircut?

a) No, there’s a dial on my back that makes it longer or shorter

b) It’s my new merkin, did they fit it incorrectly?

c) Actually, it’s my sister’s but I liked it so much I stole it from her.

(Q) How many guys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
(A) None, she can cook in the dark
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A blond is driving down the highway and blows a tire. She pulls off to the side of the road and gets out of her car, pops her trunk, and pulls out two cardboard cut outs of naked men in trench coats. People driving by wave and honk until the state patrolmen pull up.

Patrolmen: "What are you doing? You can’t have thoughts sitting there."

Blond: "Hello! These are my emergency flashers!"
--------------------------------------------------------
(Q) How do you dround a blond?
(A) Glue a scratch and sniff to the bottom of a swimming pool
--------------------------------------------------------
(Q) How do you confuse a blond?
(A) Stick her in a circle; tell her to pee in the corner
(Q) How does a blond confuse you?
(A) She does it
--------------------------------------------------------
These are stupid, I know

Haha, ok, I saw this funny joke on another site linked from another site that I thought was funny so I'm posting it here.

...The sound of an amplified comedian, host of the show, already in mid-joke, echoes off the walls. He plays two parts:

   "So the guy flips through the phone book and he finds a listing for a law firm called Schwartz, Schwartz, Schwartz and Schwartz. He calls.
    'Hello, yes, I'd like to talk to Mr. Schwartz.'
    'He's not in today. He's out playing golf.'
    'Well, alright. Let me talk with Mr. Schwartz.'
    'He's not with the firm anymore. He's retired.'
    'Well, okay then, I'd like to speak to Mr. Schwartz if I could.' 
    "He went to Detroit. He won't be back for a month.'
    'All right, well, may I talk with Mr. Schwartz?'
    'Speaking!"

taken from: http://blog.wfmu.org/freeform/2012/02/t … dians.html
which I found the link from: http://www.newsfromme.com/