I was going through some CD-R's today - full of various things I had backed up through the years - and I came along a txt file with some old letters written by readers from/of various video game magazines. Some of them are pretty funny which is why I originally typed them out but I thought I'd post them here and see what reactions they'd get.

Poor Excuse (DOOM)

I really like your magazine; I think it’s #1. However, my family doesn’t have much money, and I really like Doom - so if you could give me a Playstation and a copy of Doom, I would be really really happy. But if you don’t, I will be really really sad. Wouldn’t you do this for your family?

There are over 1 million families in this county right now who live below the poverty line. Many are without the services and privileges a lot of use take for granted: a warm place to sleep, a healthy diet, and a good education. Many of the homeless are children – they didn’t ask to be homeless, nor do they deserve the situation they are placed in. However, if we all make a stand and help the homeless through dedicated community service and volunteer work, we can make a difference.

Therefore, the answer is no, you can’t have a Playstation. You could be a con artist, a crafty reader pulling on our heartstrings, or just some sick individual who think by telling us he’s poor he’ll receive a free Playstation. What we have done, at our own expense, is donate a Playstation and a variety of games to the Hamilton House for Children in San Francisco. From now on, the homeless children there can enjoy what we take for granted; a few minutes each day to have some fun. We told them it was from you.

Thorry (FFVII)

Recently, my friend and I each purchased Final Fantasy VII for the Playstation. In my game Aeris’s name is spelled “Aeris.” In my friend’s game, her name is spelled “Aerith.” We never made any changes to the default name given to us when Aeris/Aerith first appears in the game. Why is Aeris’s name different in each of our games?

Maybe your friendth’s dithk hath a lithp. We’ve heard that thith hath occurred on other dithkth ath well. Jutht a minor manufacturing overthight.

Virgin Ears (FFVII)

I would like to know how to turn off the bad language in FFVII. P.S. If you don’t find a way to turn off the bad language, I can’t buy the game, so please find a way!

Name N/A
Kountze, TX

No problemo! I know how language-sensitive you Texans can be, so here’s what you do. First, stuff both of your ears with cotton. That should cut down on the spoken word. Next, cover both eyes with a health serving of duct tape. That should block out any written obscenities. Now you’re all set. Enjoy the game!

Did I Stutter? (Rebus/Kartia)

Are Kartia and Rebus the same game?

Does a bear defecate in coniferous wooded areas? Yes, Kartia was previously named Rebus.

NA (N64)

Why is the Nintendo 64 being released on a Monday? Don’t they know they’re going to get millions of complaints from angry parents saying “My son skipped school just to get your damn system.” Wouldn’t it be wiser to release it on a Saturday?

It’s cool. All the teachers will be out picking up their own Nintendo 64s anyway.

N/A (Mario Kart 64)

I just bought Mario Kart 64, and while playing the Lava Stage, I went off course and crashed. Suddenly, a naked picture of Jenny McCarthy appeared on the screen, at which point my mom walked in. She saw the screen, then threw the game away! I saved my money for two months to buy the game and now I don’t have either! What am I going to do?

Get therapy, you sick, sick little monkey.

N/A (Mega Man VII, X3)

My brother recently bought Mega Man X3. We were very relieved once we had gone through the whole game without finding any swearing, since there was some in MM7. We were stuck on the last boss for a while and finally beat him only to find Mega Man yell out “D*mn” [yes, the writer censored this himself here.]

Now some very good games have had this problem on the PC such as the Wing Commander series. Even Decent had to add in the one word in the opening sequence!

I would by many of those games except for the constant swearing. I am writing this letter to try and stop this, and will be sending these out to other companies and organizations with which I have this trouble

After all, how many people would send in a letter like this one complaining that there should be no swearing in a game? So why would you include a single swear word in a entire game? Do people buy games for swearing? No.

Timothy, a (normal?) teenager who is fed up with this and wants answers.

We think you’re being a little sensitive, Timothy.

I read Timothy’s letter concerning swearing in video games. I agree and disagree with him in this way: Language, Nudity, Violence, Humor, Music, Story, Cuteness and so on are the tools of the video game trade – but only if they are used appropriately, and where it makes the most sense. Then it only adds to the game.

I agree that Mega Man yelling “Damn” could be seen as not being appropriate because it’s a platform game with a “cutesy” character in it. But if you’re in another, more adult game environment, and you find that, say, a zombie has eaten your girlfriend, “Oh dear” or “What a shame!” would seem equally inappropriate, no?

Agreed.

Your answer that you thought I was being a little sensitive about swearing in videogames. Well, maybe I am, but I’m definitely not the only one. Or maybe it’s the other way around. From the letters I got it seems as though your side seems sensitive about losing you precious swear words. All but one ended up being the type of letter where I get cussed out while being called immature and babyish, and that’s it. No reasons, no explanations, nothing but that.

Maybe your audience, or at least the people who support you, aren’t as mature as you believe they are. I really don’t mean to offend anyone, but all of this contradicting stuff just helps to prove my point.

All I want to get across to these companies is that there are profits being lost here, just because of something that is easily changed. There are simple substitutions here. Anyway, thanks for printing my first letter, and I send out a thank you to everyone who sent me their opinion, even to those who are against me, because, if anything, it made my own position stronger.

We respect your opinion Timothy, and we are well aware of the ignorant, juvenile minority who saw fits to respond aggressively to you. Unfortunately, someone making a stand (such as yourself? Invariably attracts such attention.

Mega Blood (Mega Man X4)

I haven’t played Mega Man X4 yet because of its Animated Blood label. How bad is the blood? Is it just in one spot, or is the blood splashed throughout the game?

The “blood” is present at the beginning of the game in animated cinema scene involving robots. [Note:  the video is actually near the end of the game] Although robots technically can’t bleed, the fluid coming from the ‘bots – whatever it is – looks pretty gory. But go ahead and buy X4 if you an MM fan – the scene is so minor you’ll probably never notice it. [Note: How in the HELL could you miss Double mowing down Maverick Hunters as long as your not playing Zero’s game? I’d love to see this person’s reaction to the Japanese versions of the Zero games.]

How Much Did You Pay for That Brain? (MK)

I would like to see Scorpion ripping of Sub-Zero’s head. That’s it.

You realize you paid 32 cents to tell us that, right? Thirty-two cents? Some grandmother didn’t receive her birthday card because the post office had to find room in their schedule to deliver a letter that says “I would like to see Scorpion ripping of Sub-Zero’s head.” Nice job.

N/A (MK3)

In your February ’95 issue you mentioned that MK3 would contain Nudalities. You haven’t mentioned them since. Are they in the Genesis version of the game, or any version for that manner.

A year ago that’s what we were told; Nudalities would be in the game. However, Williams Entertainment changed its plains and released the game without Nudalities. We asked Ed Boon, the lead programmer for MK3, and he told us very specifically that Nudalities were not realities.

Kong Wa Bisa (MK4)

Me want MK4! Me want MK4! MK4 strategy guide!

Ha, Ha! You make funny! Us want MK4 too. Boon guy, he take too long. Us need fight… fight for what right! (thump thump)

N/A (Panzer Dragoon)

In the sequel to Panzer Dragoon for the Saturn, what does the word “Zwei” mean in the title?

“Zwei” is the German word for “two,” so the full title is Panzer Dragoon Two II. Confusing, isn’t it?

Zombies Fooled My Neighbors (RE2)

If you beat Resident Evil 2 six times, getting an “A” on every scenario (using only a knife and the handgun), start a new game and enter “Akuma” in the Lab computer room in both scenarios. After you beat the game, the save screen will appear and say “akuma.” He has only a red fireball as a weapon and he needs no keys to open doors.

And if you wish real hard, the tooth fairy will leave a quarter on your pillow. Sorry, we’re not biting. Everyone in the world knows that this is a bogus tip that appeared as an April’s Fool’s joke in another magazine. We like how you credit yourself with the tip, though – it appeared word for word exactly as you wrote it under another name in another mag.

N/A (TR1)

I own the PC version of Tomb Raider. On the last page of the instruction booklet are the letters HFCIT. Is it a code for the game, or is it there just to gas up your head up?

An Eidos Interactive representative explained that this is the company’s inside joke and refers to when were designing the game. Whenever they added something new, someone would say “How freakin’ cool is that?” That’s what HFCIT stands for.

Cheap Thrills (TR2)

When I was reading the letters section in your mag, I ran across the one Lara Croft sent in. Hey Mike, does your wife or girlfriend get jealous of Lara? You might want to watch out; she does have skills, and big guns (amongst other big things). Good thing Tomb Raider II isn’t on the 64 and compatible with the rumble pack or Mike would be a naughty boy!

Mike: When you say “she” do you mean my girlfriend or Lara Croft? Your ambiguous pronoun has left me no choice, but to take a trip to Columbus and pimp-slap you for talking about my bird. And no, my girlfriend isn’t jealous of Lara Croft. In fact, we often lay a blanket on the floor and take turns on Lara.

Bark like a Dog (TR2)

In issue #96, you said Lara Croft would crawl in TR2. I’ve read through my instruction manual two times. It says nothing about a crawl. But it also says nothing about a handstand, but you can do it. How do you crawl?

The crawling feature was something the developers were toying with, but never made the final game. Besides, Lara doesn’t crawl; she makes all you drooling, unworthy males crawl. Down on all fours, Pig-Dog!

Time to Change

Why do I always find Canadian coins in my change?

The evil Canadians are always trying to devalue our monetary system and cripple our economy by infiltrating in their inferior brand of dollars and cents. Be warned Canucks! We’re on to you.

Krazy Kid’s Komplaint

I must say your magazine rocks. But in your July ’99 issue there was something that really bothered me. A kid by the name of Nic Farnsworth.” I have to say something to him. STOP SPELLING everything with a darn K. I don’t think “cards” is spelled with a K.

P.S. Your mag RRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKZZZZZZZ!

Ok, we’ll admit that it gets a little annoying when people spell everything with a K. We also hate it when “rocks” is spelled with a Z and is 43 letters long.

P.S. Threats

P.S. Print this letter or I shall kill all your first born children.

P.S. My dad’s a Commander in the Navy so he could shoot missiles at your office if you don’t print this letter.

P.S. I know assassins if you don’t publish this!

P.S. Write back of my homemade mechanical Pokemon will come and crush you!

P.S. My brother’s name is John; he wanted me to tell you guys that.

Thanks, everybody; we love you too. *sniff*

Misc. Quotes

“Most violence stems from genuine physical and psychological abuse, not from polygons.”

“Gotta get somewhere fast? Try this: when you’re stuck at a read light, keep an eye on the light facing the other direction. When it turns yellow, hold the clutch in and hit the gas. As soon as your light turns green, release the clutch and you’ll get a turbo boost!”

“Win if you can, lose if you must… but always, always, ALWAYS hurt someone!”

“They say, like, weed destroys your… uh… what was I saying?”

“In this rare picture, the Gameshark appears to be eating its own tail. I guess it’s all El Nino’s fault…”

We Swear It’s True

I am really getting tired of Sony and their Licensee companies. Wild Arms, Final Fantasy VII, Final Fantasy Tactics, Alundra and SaGa Frontier are the only RPGs released in the past year for PSX, yet EVERY ONE OF THEM CONTAINS PROFANITY! Even Mega Man X4 contains swearing, and it’s always been a franchise for everyone. What’s next? Swearing in Crash Bandicoot? Profanity really does nothing to enhance a game.

Hey man, just %$@#* do it! Although we didn’t hear about swearing in Mega Man X4 [Note: “damn” is used in the game three times], we will agree that some games throw in profanity to appeal to an older audience – and unless the profanity somehow moves the story along, or provides some type of comic relief, it is pointless. In the case of Final Fantasy VII, we think the profanity was harmless, but the racial overtones were very discerning. (Do all Afican-Americans really talk like Barret?)

Yore Hyerd

I have some thing you like I have codes for Impact Racinhg [sic]. But before I give you the code I was thinking I would like to wark [sic] for you. If that’s OK, I can play video games and repart [sic] how they are. And I can do this for free, just to play newe [sic] games. You mall [sic] me a game (It has to be a Sega Saturn game). Then I play it, wrighte [sic] about the game them [sic] mail it back with the game and the review. What to [sic] you think?

Thanks but your letter makes us… well… (sic). We suspect you already write for one of our competitors.

She Blinded Me with (Christian) Science

Last week I went to a youth church camp, where I realized I was being blinded by the evil stuff in your magazine – by stuff like half-naked women in Duke Nukem, obscene ads, profanity, and sacrilegious games. You are as blinded as I was. But I like this magazine. You have great reviews of “good” games like NFL GameDay ’99 for the Playstation. All I’m asking is that you put a warning label on the adds, so gamers like me don’t have to look at them if we don’t want to.

A Concerned Christian

Well, we’ll admit there are games that could make weaker minds wish they were blind. And while we’re not blind to the fact some games contain questionable content, we do also believe in freedom of choice. People can make their own choices about what they play and see as well as what they want to believe. Warning labels? Hello? You’d have to read the ads to read the labels. Besides, if all it takes is a peek at a questionable video game ad to turn you to the dark side, then it’s going to take more than one summer camp to save you.

It’s De-lightful, It’s De-licious, It’s De-moic

I’m disappointed with the video game industry. As a faithful Christian and a gamer, I’m offended by what I see in too many games these days. I’ve unknowingly bought games like Quake and Doom by id Software that contain everything from pentagrams to blood altars, to pictures of Jesus’s bloody head. I think that religiously conscious people like me shouldn’t have to take chances on what we buy. The ESRB or RSAC should be able to devise a rating for occult content. And if they don’t do that, the companies should have warnings. Tecmo did that with their ads for Deception, which included warnings of satanic references. Satanic and occult content in video games offends me more than gore and blood. If offends the beliefs of millions of people. Isn’t that enough to warrant a rating or a warning?

Well, let’s get some things straight first. Everyone takes chances on what they buy; no matter what their beliefs. Also, there is no severed head of Jesus in any id game! What you’re referring to is the severed head of John Romero, the game’s creator (who, despite what some gamers will tell you, is not the messiah). Romero’s brain container is hidden in a secret area of the game. If you’ve seen this you played pretty far into the game… which kind of weakens your argument that a game can’t contain occult content and be fun, too. But we like your idea of putting a warning on boxes (“Caution: Demons at work. Proceed slowly.”) so gamers are aware of what’s in a game, kind of like the offensive lyrics label on music CDs.

St. Elmo’s Ire

In your June issue your art section featured a picture entitled “Mangle Me Elmo.” The art displays a picture that is supposed to look like Elmo holding a sword surrounded by Bert’s limbs. I am writing to tell you how appalled I am. You even made it your pick of the Month, which is even worse. In the future, I would like to see less violence in the pictures you select.

Who are you, Ernie the muppet? Wait until you see what we did to Big Bird.

Teach the Children Well

My teacher is mad at me because I read you magazine in class. She caught me again today. She said if she catches me again, she’ll THROUGH it away! Please help me. She said I should read books!

Well, if you spell “throw” “through” maybe she has a point. But here’s a quick fix: Tell your teacher she’s violating your first amendment right to freedom of the press and sue her butt all the way to the Supreme Court. But trust us on that spelling thing. You need a little more time in the oven. You ain’t done yet.

Knot Badd, Keny

Hi, my name is Kenn, I was wondering if you guys (and gals) would hire a youngster such as myself to do a little article writing. If you would, please direct me to a resume and tell me what the perrequistes are. I like to think I know how to write half-way decently. I’d work for whatever amount you offer.

Let’s see… you left the “y” off you name at the beginning of this letter; you misspelled “prerequisites;” we cannot “direct someone to a résumé (you have to write it); and you sold yourself short by offering to work for nothing. Welcome to the staff!

I Take Nickels from the Mall Fountain

I go to Blockbuster and steal games. It’s easy. I just cut open the box, take the game, and rip off the tape on the back. I was just wondering if there was a way to get the instruction booklets.

Go to Sony, break in the back. Pry open a door. Look for its library of Playstation games, tear open packages, throw out the CD’s, and grab the instruction booklets. Now Go Directly to Jail, Do Not Pass Go, Do Not Collect $200. You are the worst kind of moron – the kind who jacks up game prices because of your selfish kleptomania. Your letter pissed us off so much we turned your name into your local service provider and asked them to alert the retail stores in your area. You’ll have lots of time to read those manuals – when they lock you up.

Hungry?

LASER BEES? What the hell is going on?

Laser bees are the only thing more dangerous than flying-barking-bat-spiders. Did I mention that they taste really awful, too?

Always one of the highlights of reading old gaming mags. I especially love the ones that predicted the Saturn and the M2 (remember that one?) were going to dominate the Playstation. Ouch...Captured in print for the world to see.

Were these mostly Gamefan? That's what it sounds like.

That's my #1 so far, although the kid with the spelling problem is tough competition. Welcome to the staff!

My guess was Ultimate Game Players.  That magazine had an absolutely bizarre letters column, especially near the end of its life.

Most of these are from GamePro but some are from others such as Ultra Game Pro and Next Generation.

Oh, man. I miss those good ol' letters from the 90's. I have a stack (stackstackstack) of old Nintendo Powers that span the SNES's life cycle that probably have some hilarious ones in there, too.

I think that Tips 'n Tricks and Gamepro had the most bizarre letters section out of every magazine. Gamefan, on occasion, got some pretty idiotic ones, too.

I just get a kick out of how many letters I found where people complain about swearing in Mega Man X4. I think Zero says damn twice in his game (once before the sky lagoon falls and once after Sigma is defeated but final weapon is being fired) and once by X's in his game.

I mean why would you get SO bent out of shape over that when the game is as good as it is? Why dislike a game when you like 99.95% of it but dislike .5% of it? The D word is so low on the list of bad words as it is anyway... I guess some ppl aren't happy unless they have something to complain about or some cause to take up arms for. I think the violence in "deleting" mavericks is more objectional than saying damn. Hell, I think Double's one scene proves that... that part is pretty cool though.

Even better was the rumors (Quarterman/Sushi-X) section in EGM. I went back through a few issues, and it's unbelievable how many things they got wrong.

I remember one person wrote in asking if GBA's Sword of Mana was a remake of Final Fantasy Adventure, and the NP staff vehemently denied that it was >_<  It's one thing for a reader to send in a stupid question, but a stupid response is just unacceptable.

I'm not easily offended, especially not by swearing, but I do vividly remember how much that 'damn' at the end of MMX3 stood out to me. It seemed totally inappropriate, plus it was the first time I saw swearing in an SNES game.

I was more than used to it by the time I played MMX4 though

I had no idea anyone would ever have a problem with 'damn'. Surely it only barely scrapes into the 'swear word' category?

Well, my mother get offended when I say "Jesus Christ" in exasperation (and she's hardly even Christian), so . . .

Since when was the word "Damn" swearing?  I know you use it to curse someone or something "Damnit", but there are worse words out there.  *sigh*  The ideas some parents instill on their children...

'Hey lookit me, I'm an EXPERT GAYMER!!'

Okay so yeah I remember some of these letters and will openly admit that i was a die-hard egm reader/nerd. But just seeing some of these again reminds me of exactly why I'm not hardcore anymore.
It's alright to be like this through the teens and even early twenties, but if your brain hasn't evolved after that past the desire to jism your pantalones whenever you play Tomb Raider 29 or Dead Or Alive 14 then something's wrong.

And only kids who go to Bible Camp and think Jesus will send them to hell for jerking off would actually write a letter to complain about seeing the big, bad D word in a freakin' video game.
I'm pretty sure that even back in the eighties before the evil M-rated games came to existance that those Satan-fueled Friday The 13th and Nightmare on Elm Street movies were full of teenagers f---ing at summer camps and blood gushing all over the screen, but then again I could be wrong..

Ah, who gives a d*mn anyway? I'm gonna go snap my Hot Coffee-enabled copy of GTA San Andreas in half so that I might still have a chance of getting into heaven when I die the horribly gory and bloody death my copy of TABOO for NES (rated T for Teen) told me I'm going to experience.

*smile-smile*
( :

I cracked up at the Aeris letter. That aside, did some non-Japanese versions of the game really have her name spelled differently?

Yep, some defaulted to Aeris and some defaulted to Aerith.